When I was 6 my sister and I had this hot pink plastic bat that
we'd gotten as a gift. I think it came with a white plastic whiffle ball. At
some point I decided it was mine and it needed to be hidden from my 4 year old
sisters little hands. I went outside and climbed our little tree house.
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| I found this highly contrasted picture of my sister and me around ages 6 and 4. |
It sat about 5 feet off the ground and had a little staircase
leading to the top floor of our abode. It was made inside a juniper tree,
perfect for our little selves.
I stood on the wooden floor and reached on my tiptoes for a high
branch, wobbling the pink plastic bat to balance on top. Then my foot
slipped off the edge. The inside of my thigh caught the corner. The corner took
about a quarter size piece of flesh with it (I think Shakespeare's Shylock
would have been pleased). In shock I got down, saw blood running down my leg. I
quickly covered the wound and hobbled down the little hill to our front door.
After that, I remember a swift carrying to the car and a trip to
the E.R. I don't remember everything that happened though I'm sure they had to
clean out the wound, maybe give me a shot to dull the pain and then stitched me
up. It was probably anything but pleasant. I remember a few of the doctor
visits that followed, one to check it and another to take out the stitches. I
remember the best part, showing my friends at school my battle scar received in
my war against little sisters.
I often think about suffering, wounds, pain and the healing
process.
I know it sounds a little morbid, but I often hear of people who
have been emotionally or physically hurt by others, especially working in
ministry for so long. When this happens I usually think back to my own
experiences with pain and suffering. The only way I’ve truly found
healing is to allow the Great Surgeon to clean the wound, and stitch it up.
Sometimes I don’t though. Sometimes I let it sit. I let if
fester.
I don’t want to face the pain. So I stuff it.
When I do this, I often find it hurts so much worse when I
finally deal with it. Sometimes I don’t even know how to deal with it,
because it just hurts so stinkin bad and I’m in shock. I find myself
wobbling through life gripping the wound, letting it make all my choices.
When I’ve been wounded, sometimes it’s my fault, because I was being a selfish
turd, like the 6 year old version of myself, I am hoarding something or caring
only about myself. Other times it’s no fault of my own, sometimes my foot
slips and bam I’ve been hurt.
When we’re dealing with a wound from our past, it always seems
weird to open it back up again, because it feels like it was so long ago. Like
we should be over it by now. But those moments whether we’ve dealt with them or
not will shape the people we are today. We can choose to not dwell in the
past, but to deal with it so we can truly walk forward into all that God has
for us. The process of repairing wounds is painful, but it’s worth it.
I’m not saying this process is the same for everyone but I’m
just going to share some things I’ve done to become healthier and healed.
1. I let myself remember it. To truly remember it every detail and cry if I need to.
During this process I also have learned to give over the memory to God.
To allow him to show me what and where I need to forgive. I usually write some
of these things down at some point. I hate this part, because sometimes
it ends in sobs. Sometimes one memory leads to another and another memory of
past hurts, or grief and before you know it I’m a hot mess curled up in the
fetal position on the bed, bathroom floor or wherever I’ve decided to have my
melt down this time. (this may need to happen in the presence of a professional and under their guidance and direction when dealing with intense trauma. Again this is not a one size fits all list.)
2.
I write. I write down every single thing that hurt me about the
situation. Every single person I’m angry with. Sometimes on that list is God,
which I think is okay, we should admit when we blame him, not get overly
religious and act like we really trust and believe in him ALL the time. We all
have doubts and faults in this faith walk thing. Later, I ask forgiveness for
harboring bitterness against God and not trusting him. I also write down
what I have done that has wronged either God or someone else. I also
write what I’m feeling: guilt, anger, betrayal, grief, etc. It helps to put a
name to the emotion. Sometimes, I go back and write about the event in a poem
or story. It may not always be print worthy at the time, but it helps me to
sort things out and process.
3. I pray. I
go down my list and say I forgive so and so for such and such. To each and
every person on my list and for every act of wrong that has been done against
me, or that I feel has been done against me. I ask forgiveness for what I’ve
done that has been wrong in the situation. I repent. This is also a time
where I ask God what I should do about it (should I confront a person, should I
ask forgiveness of someone, should I do some kind act, or should I just release
them and let it go.)
4. I seek community.
Often for me this is the hardest part. This part can mean one of many
things for me: It can be sharing what God’s been showing me with my
tribe; Talking with family and friends about what I’m feeling, especially if
they’re going through the pain also; Asking for prayer during church or from
friends; Asking for deeper prayer with a couple of people who are discerning
and who can pray on my behalf and help me to truly get to the root of the
problems I’m having; This can also mean seeking counseling from a professional,
sometimes it’s nice to get perspective from someone who is not so invested in my
life. This part is also the bit where I stay in community, real
authentic community. I believe this is fundamental to the healing process and
learning to trust again. Being in community also helps with forgiveness,
because when you are real and open with one another you tend to get hurt a lot.
Just like in families, and forgiveness is learned in these types of settings,
where grace and forgiveness are extended often, because none of us our perfect
and we have all hurt and wounded others, just as we have been wounded.
For some reason though God calls us to be close with others, not to hide in the
covers (though this is my knee jerk reaction sometimes), he calls us to love
like him, forgive, give grace, and do it all over again when someone hurts us.
5. Repeat any steps if necessary.
At the risk of beating a dead horse, I have never found healing
in going about life as usual. In fact when I have stuffed it, the pain always finds a way out, through bitterness, anger, fear, or anxiety does not heal all wounds.
However, it does take time for wounds to heal, but it also takes work. Sometimes years
later, a wound can still haunt us, or rear its ugly head when we face a
situation that is similar. The first thing that happens to me, is all of my
insecurities come out, and I know it has hit some deeper issue. And then
guess what? I get to deal with it again, in a new light. I’ve found that
scars never go away, but wounds can heal. I’ve also learned that God does not
always make us deal with everything at one time, he goes as deep as we are
ready. Then later he may go a little deeper and do even more healing work in our
lives.
I’m still imperfect and I’m still learning how to heal and see
when I’m stuffing it. I really do hate dealing with my feelings, because
when I feel I FEEL EVERYTHING. I feel it in my bones when I’m hurting.
In the end though, I know it’s worth it.
I don’t want to be a victim of what has happened to me. I want
to live victoriously, despite crappy circumstances. Who’s with me?
Side note: I still have my ugly quarter-size-star-shaped scar on
my inner thigh. I may never be a leg model, and I'm okay with that. Also,
I won’t be hiding any more toys from my little sister 😏
